June 6, 2012

I'm depressed about my morning sickness.


Hope is a funny thing. Some mornings when I blink awake and realize that I feel OK, I get to wake up with hope. I'll sit up and stretch and think, "Maybe this it. Maybe the all-day morning sickness is waning. Maybe I'll be in the clear soon."

That happened this morning. Until 10:30 came. By 11 a.m., I was sitting with Tessa at a local deli, normally one of my favorites, pale and shaky and choking down a chicken sandwich and hoping no one I knew popped in. I willed myself not to look up at the menu on the wall (filled with horrifying-sounding ingredients) and concentrated on picking out the best place to puke. (Just outside the front door of the restaurant? Could I leave Tessa in her chair for a few minutes alone? Or, time willing, maybe I could grab her and dash into the bathroom?)

Tomorrow, I'll be 15 weeks pregnant. Through the very worst of the morning sickness, around 8-10 weeks, I let hope sustain me. When I was pregnant with Tessa, all the terrible nausea fell away by 12 weeks, leaving me to enjoy my pregnancy and my meals and my burgeoning belly, not to mention shopping for a little girl and her nursery. This pregnancy I've held on to that memory even when I could hardly hold my head up because I felt so tired and sick and sad. Now that the weeks have begun to tick by on my second trimester, I'm starting to feel positively depressed about the fact that I still feel so rotten.

And, not that I would wish it on anyone, but none of my friends have ever experienced morning sickness like this, so it's easy to feel alone. Also? I hate to complain because I just don't want to be that person. So to be in this position, week after week, is devastating. I don't see much of my friends because I dread telling them that I still feel bad. I don't return phone calls because I know that's not what they want to hear, and I don't want to be a drag. They want the old me back. And so do I.

Even though I'm lonely, the last thing I want to do most days is "hang out" or fake how I feel. Still, my saving grace (and social outlet) through this terrible period has been Nekos. He cooks, cleans, picks up food that sounds good to me, tells me I'm beautiful even though I have heinous pregnancy acne, and understands when I crawl into bed at 8 p.m. Best of all, he calls me throughout the day just to see how I feel. And even when I cry and tell him "terrible," it's made all the difference to know he cares and that he's not judging me for being whiny or wimpy or down and out. I love him more than ever these days. I cry in the car when a love song comes on, for real. And I'm so grateful for my mom, too, who has been a great help with Tessa and who's listened to me blabber on and on each week about my new, next great hope for a morning sickness cure. Turns out my one true surefire, magic morning sickness cure is love.

I haven't had a chance to get excited about this baby at all, which is sad on its own. I haven't written anything for him or her. I haven't bought anything or made anything. Too much space in my mind is occupied now by the fear that I might have to live with this for another five-and-a-half months. Could this be one of those pregnancies where the sickness never goes away?

Please, no. I am still holding on to hope, even when it's kicking me in the gut.

Sometimes I think women don't talk about morning sickness enough, especially since it mostly occurs during those first 12 weeks when we're trying to keep everything hush-hush. What is the deal? Isn't pregnancy tough enough already?

I want to know: Have any of you experienced lingering morning sickness? Did you get the blues about it?

31 comments:

  1. I had terrible morning sickness with my 3rd baby - actually all day sickness, and the only time I wasn't sick was when I was sleeping. I feel for you. I know how depressing it is. But don't be afraid to 'burden' your friends with it - because it's not a burden - people like to help and you need them - the true ones will help you and listen to you - those are the ones you want. On a side note, have you thought about taking anything? I'm the type of person that doesn't even like to take tylenol when I'm pregnant, but with the 3rd pregnancy I had to take an anti-nausea medication prescribed by my Dr which helped.
    I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling great! Hang in there!
    Jo-Anna

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    1. I was sick until 22 weeks. Just in time for my little one to smooosh my stomach. I guess the one positive was that I gained a normal amount of weight. But, boy was it crummy.

      share your story lady, you might find more people were like you!

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    2. Thanks so much for your comment! I am taking Zofran once or twice a day, which definitely helps. But it's not a fix-all for me. :(

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  2. Oh Ellen, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a state! Luckily I never got sick, just felt super pukey all of the time and had a nonstop headache for about two months. I kind of went through the same thing of hiding out because I felt like every time someone asked how I was, it was always the same, sad answer. I really think that people understand though and will be there for you, pukey or not :) I REALLY hope you get to feeling better soon!!!

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  3. Try acupuncture. It could really help!

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  4. Why IS there no cure for morning sickness?! I know there is meds, but that's no cure. My morning sickness lasted about 4 months. I was on a prescription for it, called Diclectin, which I believe is only in Canada and is the only safe one they will give to preggos. (I think there in the states it's Zofran?)
    The pills helped a LOT, but they were soo expensive. Mostly I stuck to keeping plain Ritz crackers right by my bed and I ate them whenever I would stir awake during the night, and first thing in the morning before I got up. The smell of peppermint saved me from barfing many a time as well.

    It'll pass!

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  5. Girl...
    Wow - I just started a reply using the word girl. I'm going to go with it.
    Girl.... when I was pregnant with Jo I was sick for 7+ months. It was horrible - I felt like I had the flu. I felt like all the women in my life had played a trick on me. Yeah - being pregnant is the best. right. My husband would tell me he missed me. I will not go into the very un-maternal thoughts I had toward my growing baby, but they were there.
    I turn 12 weeks on Friday with pregnancy #2. I am still throwing up... a lot. I have thrown up on myself in a couple public places - there was just nothing else I could do with a 30+ lb. toddler with me.
    I am still hoping for it to pass - we'll see. I don't feel like a zombie anymore. I am not constantly tired. Although after each vomiting session I feel like taking a good nap - and sometimes I do. Jo caught me vomiting on a plate of food the other day and started crying - then I started crying. It's a hot mess over here at the Drone house.
    I've decided to be "buddhist" about it. When I feel great I am going to just feel it and not worry about when it will end. When I feel like shit I am just gonna feel it and not think about what I wish were different. I own it. And Jo and the hubby has to deal with it - and honestly they do fine. The world doesnt fall apart. That's what I tell myself. It has helped me to let myself feel like shit.
    You should come over for a play date. We can sit around and puke on ourselves while the kids jump on the bouncy castle or something. :)

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  6. ughhhh.... I SO feel for you. I had a 9 months sickness pregnancy with #1. It was awful. One time I was reading a friend's blog who was talking about morning sickness with twins and I left a comment saying "I'm so sorry you're sick! I'm sick too and it's terrible and I just feel badly for you." Her response to me was "well, I'm sorry YOU'RE sick, but I choose to be THANKFUL for my sickness b/c it means that these babies are growing healthy inside me." I couldn't believe she wanted to be thankful for her sickness. Thankful for healthy babies? yes. all day. But in that moment I realized there could be no way she was as sick as I was b/c there is no way you could be thankful for the misery of all-day, day after day pregnancy sickness. The ONLY thing that made me feel better was ZOFRAN. I'm not one to medicate, but I was desperate, and it was a tremendous help. If you haven't asked your doctor for it yet, you definitely should! And don't feel badly about feeling miserable. The best thing you can do is rest as much as possible and eat ANYTHING that you can handle or makes you feel better. I really hope it gets better for you very very soon!

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    1. Thank you, Lindsey, for your comment!!! Zofran has definitely been helping me out. :)

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  7. oh mama... i'm so sorry you feel this bad still!! i hope that you will soon feel better.

    just because you haven't written or bought anything for this baby, doesn't mean you won't love him/her any less when he/she is born.

    hang in there.
    i'm happy to hear news from you. xoxo

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  8. Yikes it is okay to complain, it is not easy growing another human being! I used the seabands for the queasiness I felt most of both pregnancies and they helped some. Not the best fashion statment but not a pill which is what I wanted. I thought they did not help till I took them off one night and fell into the toliet throwing up.

    Hope this passes soon and you can start to enjoy the miracle, but if not it is okay to complain!

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  9. Bad morning sickness all 3 times--- zofran took the edge off and never letting my stomach get empty helped too. The first time about a week after it resolved I got food poisoning - that sucked ha ha!

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  10. hey ellen. i was sick in bed all day and night from week 8 till week 18ish. Was so depressed and lonely. couldnt stand the sight or look of food. was constipated and dehydrated too. absolutely miserable... there were times i even wished i wasnt pregnant, even though i was so happy and always wanted to be a mum. i totally feel for you ellen. and i still talk about it often, especially when people ask me when we are having baby number 2. i'm probably the biggest complainer out there because i still feel traumatised i think! and really scared of it happening again. you are not alone! take care hun

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear that you're still having the dreaded morning sickness. How terrible! Mine went away at 12 weeks, but I had terrible migraines throughout. I had to go to the hospital twice for meds and fluids and I had to take a pain pill throughout the entire pregnancy when I'd get the headaches and that freaked me the frick out! I really, really hope that your morning sickness goes away soon. Try to be positive... I hear that helps, but I'm not very good at it myself in these kinds of situations!

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  12. I am so glad you wrote about this. I feel for you big time. I'm 18 weeks and I just started feeling relief. I think the relief seriously came after my lowest moment - puking in the kitchen trash can (because I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time) and vomiting so hard that I actually peed on myself at the same time. After that I just had to laugh and yell out loud - "SERIOUSLY?!" while standing in my nasty pee pee socks. :(

    Only one of my girlfriends* has a baby and she gets it, but the rest - "Oh! I'm sorry you're still sick! Want to go grab some lunch?" I've finally realized they just don't get it and it's pointless for me to try to explain that it's like having the flu for a solid 16 weeks.

    Like you, I am very lucky to have a husband that is extremely sensitive to my sickness and is taking great care of me. Not sure what I'd do without him!


    *my mommy friend is the one that sent me your blog and said "i think you'll like this girls blog" - and yes, i do!

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  13. You are SO not alone! I am just one week ahead of you and yearning for relief I too am afraid might not ever come. Like you, there aren't many women in my life who "understand." Early on, if someone caught me on a good day, I'm "glowing and radiant." On the bad days, I would hear "oh, but so and so told me you loved being pregnant and were feeling SO MUCH better." It was exhausting explaining and even more so fibbing on my way to the bathroom. Now I take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, thanking God when small blessings come along.

    Have you tried saltine crackers? They have truly been my lifesaver and might help between trips to the bathroom.

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  14. i felt terrible when during my 1st pregnancy. all i did was sleep because that was the only time i didn't feel sick. & you're rt, it does make you feel like something's wrong w/ you because all your friends had glorious pregnancies & you just feel like becoming a hermit.

    *hugs & prayers*!

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  15. Yes. Constant morning sickness, bed days (this was when I was expecting my first so I was able to have bed days, I suppose when you are expecting your second such a luxury is not possible) and all I could eat was corned beef sandwiches. That was the ONLY thing that didn't make my stomach turn. Haha, fun times.

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  16. Though I didn't suffer as long as you have, my daughter, when I was pregnant with you, I felt so bad for the first trimester that I began to refer to you as the "parasite"! I wanted to crawl into a hole and die; I think I'm always a wimp when I don't feel well. Apparently, for some of us, that change that occurs in our bodies during pregnancy leads to a major upheaval of our normal body chemistry. Thank goodness, I was just able to keep teaching through it all to keep it off my mind. Anyway, I'm so glad it has passed for you! Be here now; be some place else later! Present moment, wonderful moment! Live always in the present: let all else fall away. Embrace this moment! I think that your personal blogging helps you to do just that!

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  17. Thanks for such an interesting article. I have been suffering since week 3 with the morning sickness. 2 weeks to go. I dont know why they call it morning sickness it should be sickness 24/7 but no-one tells you the truth :-)

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  18. I know this isn't exactly a current thread any more, but I came across it typing "morning sickness is making me so sad" or some other desperate thing into Google. I have been just bawling reading these. Partly out of deep painful empathy for all the experiences and partly out of plain old self pity.This is my third pregnancy and third round with hyperemesis. We were more prepared this time and I have a lot of help and a lot to be thankful for. I feel totally in love with my two youngsters and my amazing husband who is my HERO for surviving this with me! Nevertheless all the nausea has made me SAD and MISERABLE. I feel like a suffering animal, not like myself at all. It helps to know I am not alone in this misery, though, and that many of the first commenters on this thread are no longer suffering and have babies in their arms. :)

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  19. Thanx for lovely and informative blog. I read all blogs about pregnancy and morning sickness. This blog is related plz checq this blog :-http://tinyurl.com/kja6gzj . keep writing and sharing.

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  20. Serving Morning Sickness is associated with lower rates of spontaneous abortion.”That does it for me, thanks.http://tinyurl.com/pz3g26m

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  21. I know this string is a bit out of date, but its still so relevant and comforting to know I'm not alone. On preg # 2 and its just like the first, sick and miserable. Except this time I have a toddler and it's summer time, and I feel like I've pissed half the summer away hiding in my house. I feel so guilty because I wanted to have a great summer with my little girl. I'm 11 weeks so I'm hoping its over soon, but it lasted until about 22 weeks with my first. Thanks for posting.

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  22. I know this string is a bit out of date, but its still so relevant and comforting to know I'm not alone. On preg # 2 and its just like the first, sick and miserable. Except this time I have a toddler and it's summer time, and I feel like I've pissed half the summer away hiding in my house. I feel so guilty because I wanted to have a great summer with my little girl. I'm 11 weeks so I'm hoping its over soon, but it lasted until about 22 weeks with my first. Thanks for posting.

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  23. I know this string is a bit out of date, but its still so relevant and comforting to know I'm not alone. On preg # 2 and its just like the first, sick and miserable. Except this time I have a toddler and it's summer time, and I feel like I've pissed half the summer away hiding in my house. I feel so guilty because I wanted to have a great summer with my little girl. I'm 11 weeks so I'm hoping its over soon, but it lasted until about 22 weeks with my first. Thanks for posting.

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  24. Your post is still giving people comfort... I'm almost 20 weeks with baby #2, currently bawling because I don't think I can take anymore. But, all of you got through it, so though it feels like hell, I'm not alone.

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  25. Thank you so much for writing this.you literally read my mind. Im pregnant with baby 2 ( was miserable for 16 weeks during my first pregnancy) and i feel sad and desperate. My lowest point was spending xmas hugging the toilet... it is kind of reassuring to know im not alone :(

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  26. I know this article was posted several years ago, but I'm struggling very much with all day sickness even on Diclegis so I took to the Internet looking for someone who might understand where I'm coming from.

    I feel like I'm screaming on the inside and no one can hear me.
    I'm battling negative thoughts every second of the day and late into the night. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted and my body is in so much pain from weeks of sitting and lying around, and now headaches have begun.
    Everyone keeps telling me I need to be positive (like that will fix everything), and id like to believe that will help. But I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
    The thing I'm the most scared about is starting school back up in 2 weeks. I honestly can't even imagine going to school when I can't even walk to my bathroom without getting sick of lightheaded.

    It is nice to know that I'm not alone though. Although I don't wish this on anyone.

    I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant and now all my joy is gone. I've never felt worse in my life and I haven't given in yet but I'm fighting it off every moment.
    All I want is to be happy and excited about my baby...
    Please tell me it was worth it? Tell me you made it though and forgot all your pain? Tell me I can do this?

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  27. oh man.. I have such a long way to go. Im only 6.5 weeks and I'm loosing my mind in misery. I expected to not feel great, but I never expected to feel THIS nauseous 24/7 with NO relief... not even Zofran. I cant stop crying and second guessing this pregnancy. I know it will be worth it, and I have wanted this my whole life. But even a LITTLE relief would be SO appreciated!

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  28. So glad I found this thread. This is actually my 4th pregnancy. I've has hyperemesis with all of my pregnancies, including this one, but I don't know...I feel so much more depressed with the sickness. Maybe it's because I have an 11 month to take care of, which has been SO hard. I find myself not even wanting to do it because I'm so depressed about feeling sick. I'm on diclegis, but it stopped working. Hoping for some relief soon....

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