August 2, 2012

Big Shoes to Fill.

I've been trying to decide whether or not to make Tessa's room, which is right across the hall from our room, the new baby's nursery. The decision has felt impossibly large. I cried about it last night, and I made Nekos spoon me and my belly until he couldn't take it anymore.

Tess says she's all about having a new room at the other end of the house from us, but I feel funny about it. I want her close to me. I want to drape her in a canopy of my love and protect her from feeling like anything other than the big, fat, shiny red apple of my eye. A part of me is mad: Who does this new baby think she is, coming in and taking Tessa's room? And a part of me is scared: Will Tessa feel less loved when I have a baby attached to me nearly all the time? And a part of me is relieved: I'll have Tessa to keep me company and make me giggle during those lonesome first weeks when the newborn looks up at me like, Hiiiii????? And the biggest part of me is wildly excited about the life I'm building stone by stone with this man I love and these two girls who I'll get to watch grow and who I'll love for every day for the rest of my life. I always dreamed of having daughters plural, and I can't believe my lucky-stars fate that things are actually turning out the way the little girl me once hoped.

At least once a day, I ask Tessa: "Do you know who my favorite little girl in the whole wide world is?" And she says, "Meeee!" I will have to stop doing that soon because I'll have two favorite little girls. Is that possible?

Moms, where you nervous about loving your second the way you love your first? How did you make room in your house and your heart for a new lil dumplin'?